Waikiki: Poolside Rules according to Vigilant Chris

"Warm milk and a beer" requests a reclining Japanese man. 

Like me, Vigilant Chris, the poolside waiter, cocks his head to one side, attempts to hide the expression of bewilderment and revulsion and double-checks the order. The Japanese man nods. It seems Vigilant Chris and I both heard the odd request correctly. It is 32 degrees in Honolulu and I'd wager hot enough to grill some local Ahi tuna to the required rare on the searing but impeccably clean flagstones surrounding the poolside area, yet the Japanese man wants hot milk and beer.  As on old colleague of mine used to say, 'riddle me this'.

Vigilant Chris and I don't see eye to eye.  Stemming from a slight altercation by the pool yesterday, Vigilant Chris and I are now performing a standoff which looks set to last for the duration of my stay in Waikiki, if not for life.  It is doubtful either one of us will back down.  

Yesterday the Husband and I had committed the ultimate poolside sin of bringing outside food to the pool area and openly eating it. Because Vigilant Chris is vigilant he took keen note of our indiscretion, and in a moment of over-exuberant vigilance, shuffled past, suggesting that (despite being repeat hotel guests of some repute) no food was to be eaten by the pool other than that which had been purchased off a poolside menu.  Like the one suddenly being proffered by Vigilant Chris now, and naturally requiring the all-American tip.  I wasn't born yesterday. 

I am put out by this. In all the years I have been coming to this hotel never have I been scolded for eating non-hotel muesli bars, sandwiches, or imported energy drinks. It seems it is a new rule and one that I suspect Vigilant Chris made up on the spot in a moment of heat-induced, tip-seeking fury. And I'm not buying it (pardon the pun).  Calmly seething, I spent the remainder of the afternoon conjuring up ways to annoy Vigilant Chris by sneaking contraband food to the poolside, thereby doubling his Key Performance Indicators in what is obviously the carefully monitored luxury hotel performance area of Vigilance. Perhaps there is a poolside waiter's bonus resting on this?  Perhaps not. Either way, I don't care. 

A scuffle breaks out.  More Japanese. More demands, this time just for beer which it seems is the only English word the nearby Japanese couple know.  The male half of this young couple vies for one of my top three spots for The Darkest Tan I've Ever Seen - all current contenders are Japanese and all male (which will no doubt put Cousin Marilyn's nose well and truly out of joint). The female half is much fairer-skinned but alarmingly wears a bikini with all manner of unnecessary straps which crisscross the body in strange ways and can only be described as Tan Line Roulette.  Good God, woman, have you not thought this through?  

As even the most fledgling of bikini-wearing aficionados knows, the wrong tan line can render a carefully-gained syrupy golden tan completely useless and can take years to get rid of, ruining what may otherwise be a tan worthy of remembering. Let us not forget the Tan of 2009 - a tan so well-cultivated it lasted through an entire Sydney winter.  With no artificial help, I might add.  I have a strong policy against tans gained through electrical means. 

Deciphering the pigeon English, Vigilant Chris and I can just make out that beer was indeed ordered but never received. Which beer? Asks Vigilant Chris, mopping a dripping, furrowed brow. Who did you order with? 

Vigilant Chris is becoming short-tempered.  The late afternoon sun is searing, reflecting piercing rays off the nearby Waikiki sand and for Vigilant Chris, there is no respite.  Balancing a tray hour after hour catering to the whims of fanciful Japanese who demand such outrageous combinations as beer and warm milk has worn down his patience.   He has had enough.  Drawing himself up to his full height (which is sadly lacking), his tone becomes ominous. I will get you a beer (he emphasizes the "I"), and shuffles away, his white trainers squeaking on the wet flagstones under the weight of his well-fed American body.  

Through a combination of sign language, pointing and repeating the word "beer" twenty three times more than is entirely necessary, Vigilant Chris and I can just make out that it seems the confusion arose when an order was placed with a pool attendant instead of a poolside waiter; if indeed simply saying 'beer' several times could be interpreted as an order by anyone.  

I can understand the confusion. For the less poolside-savvy, the pool attendants ("they only do towels; no beer" hissed Vigilant Chris) are dressed almost exactly the same as the poolside waiter. A lovely uniformity no doubt intended by management which I am sure has caused headaches for Vigilant Chris on more than one occasion. 

So far it's been a long and trying day and Vigilant Chris is not happy. Which, as you can well imagine, I am enjoying immensely. Hence my own vigilant monitoring and eavesdropping. 

For our part, the remainder of the afternoon will be spent productively working on what I hope will turn out to be an enviable tan - enviable for a Sydney winter in any event but certainly no match to the current top three Japanese - interspersed with swims in the pool and the gloriously temperate, strikingly-coloured ocean. All followed closely by a taxing evening beginning with late afternoon drinks on the Lanai* and culminating in what will no doubt be a memorable dining experience of Hawaiian Fusion cuisine at Roy's restaurant, conveniently located right across the road.  While I will do my level best I know already that I won't be able to go past a shared starter of Roy's Canoe (a combination of practically everything in the entree section of the menu displayed in - yes - a long plate the size of a canoe), with a main of Roy's Trio - three types of local fish (Blackened Ahi tuna, Butterfish and Shutomi).

For Vigilant Chris it will be an evening attempting to forget today's recalcitrant hotel guests and prepare for yet another trying day of inventive poolside ordering, usually by the Japanese.

* "Lanai" is the Hawaiian word for terrace or balcony, and we have a very nice one off our room on the 16th floor with commanding ocean views all the way to Diamond Head itself.  Likely another blow to Vigilant Chris.